I'm just going to say straight up, that this post will probably end up being very personal. The problem with being Aspie is that sometimes we have habits that make other people uncomfortable. . . but I don't think it's fair that others can talk about their terrible nail biting habit, or the bad habit of never cleaning their rooms and we can't.
My bad habit: self-destruction. Ever since I was young, being hurt always appealed to me. I don't know why, I can't explain it. But it happened. Blood was fascinating; having an owie bad enough to actually require a bandaid was awesome, and broken bones and stitches were even better.
I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment, sometimes pain feels enjoyable to me. Even as a little girl, I'd put myself in situations where I could potentially get hurt, just because I wanted to feel it. I guess it's because often I feel almost like I don't really exist. I feel like I'm this shell, not really alive and pain kills that disassociation.
Eventually my appetite for pain led to other, more destructive methods. Especially in high school, I found myself cutting or burning myself because that's what made the most pain. But the more I did so, the less of an impact it made. The scars on my body are reminders of what I do to myself. And I hate it, but at the same time, I have to do it.
It's a terrible habit. One that I wish I hadn't started and I'm glad I don't now. But at the same time I don't. That would require taking back time, and I don't know if I would be the same person. So I'll live with it. Because I prefer the person I am to the person I used to be.
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